2/30 CW: r/pe, gender violence, stockholm syndrome

I am practicing not apologizing So here is the story (without apology) He raped me in order to cheat on his girlfriend He raped me in hopes of getting me pregnant I slept on the sheets for three weeks, then threw them away and rearranged the bed. He climbed through the second story window To stand over me while I slept It sounded romantic, he said to himself He said if I left he would kill himself And it would be romantic, or my fault He joked about seeing my naked tits on the internet Through the door as I showered in his bathroom After the fight he took the car while I slept, to teach me he could Still trap me inside abandon He stood over me with his fist cocked He spun me over, beat my ass with a grin Asked me if now my attitude was fixed He left before I could know why And he left without saying goodbye And he left and he left and he left and he left That is how all the stories about all the men start 2 fathers 4 grandfathers 2 uncles 5 cousins Lovers and lovers I do still love him. He does deserve success, or relief, or an opportunity to become a better person good friends / who will hold him / accountable / help him / keep / being / better We all deserve (at least) this Is this the Stockholm speaking? I do not know. What I know is that I am a simple person. I just wanted to trust love the reality of tender I am sorry, but this is not an apology It is regret, as in: I am sorry I cannot celebrate him, or with him I am sorry I cannot celebrate my personal destruction for the comfort of love. That my value is a forced choice no one wants to make. Look, I am doing it again. Apologizing. back to the story I stared in the mirror at the fist-sized bruise on my chest for five weeks. It wasn’t made with a fist. It was made with his teeth. It wasn’t the first time. We remained undefined. It wasn’t love. It was just what we were doing. Clear what he didn’t want, but never in what he did. he never asked me what I wanted. Perhaps he was here (w/a) And left the room when I came to the mic Perhaps it is to give me (or him) space Perhaps he is here but not here Standing outside the entire time Eavesdropping or (perhaps) Not listening at all For this I am sorry (w/a) In that i am sad to have lost him this way Here is what happened (without apology) He is (likely) in this room right now (w/a) He will look me in the face (w/a) And I won’t know if he sees me I won’t know what he sees in me.